When will that be ready?

It takes 16 hours to charge a new battery for a cordless phone. This strikes me as excessive. I have to admit, this is the first one I’ve bought since Clinton was president, but to my recollection the charging time was about eight back then. When I gave in and bought my first cell phone, that baby was fired up and scaring me to death in traffic in only two. With technology exploding, why aren’t the guys at the phone factory pre-plugging those things in for us? When every other industry is trying to seduce us by saving time and effort, these people are producing a product we can’t use until we have owned it for 24 hours. Someone should tell them that we are patriotic, red blooded, American consumers, and what ever it is want or a need we want it NOW.

I am not a fan of the furniture people either. When he had sufficiently divotted our existing couch, my husband, Joe declared the hunt was on. After locating the perfect piece, we wrote a check and waited. The factory conveniently delivered our purchase. It was 8 weeks late, courtesy of a smelly couple of dudes opposed to belts that dropped it and broke the arm before it was off the truck.

Tragically I had enlisted my daughter’s boyfriend to haul off the old one earlier that morning. That may not constitute an emergency in your household, but considering the dedication that Joe lends to his couch slugging, someone was in big trouble around here and it wasn’t going to be me. 6 hours and 32 furniture stores later, I returned home couchless to face my doom. One salesman even admitted to having the couch in stock, in the warehouse, but they wouldn’t be able to “pull it for pick up” for three days. I say this type of disregard for an American with a credit card should be labeled a felony.

Have you ever tried to buy a refrigerator with the food rotting in the old one? Years ago this could be a disaster of epic proportions, but thanks to places like Lowe’s and Home Depot, if you can haul it yourself, at least you can pay for, own it and use it today. I know of a car lot in town that will locate the car of your dreams, buy it, pick it up and sell it to you all in one day. Hair dressers have gotten so fast you don’t even need an appointment, dry cleaning is done in an hour and pizza is free if it is not delivered in 30 minutes. There really are not too many industries holding onto to the pay now, enjoy later philosophy. The ones who are should be rounded up and sent to a prison for The Painfully Aggravating.

After all if they can’t figure out how to get it to us now, The Super Centers certainly will. These places are about as much fun as scrubbing toilets, but just as necessary. More so if you consider that’s where they keep the bowl cleaner. We may not like these guys, but they have the right idea. We have money. They want it now, period. For cash they will change your oil, print your photos, sell you a fresh coconut and fulfill all your hunting needs; and all at 3am in the morning. Americans hate waiting so much they will even go to one of these places to see a doctor. The guy who came up with that brain flash deserves a commendation from the President. Instant gratification is so instant; chances are you are being grateful for something you didn’t know you needed when you left the house before you even get home.

As soon as I finish this, I am emailing my ideas directly to the CEO of Wal-Mart. Things are gonna change my fellow Americans and all we have to do is wait.