This is not the smartest thing I have ever done. All my children have threatened me with varying levels of torture if I drag them into this. I briefly considered changing names to protect the innocent, but that would imply that they are innocent. So while I do appreciate the fair warning, I have decided to ignore it.

Conner was a big hit yesterday, so I thought I would share a little more about him. True he is currently the best at making my life miserable, but just as true he’s usually mad at me anyway, leaving me nothing to lose….

“Yes, Conner there really is a school, and yes you must go there.” This needs to be written, so hopefully I will never have to say it again. In his defense, I started this child in full day pre-K when he was four. He was a preemie and always especially attached to me. I thought the early start would help him to bond with other people. Truthfully translated, this means he was my 3rd child and I was ready to get him out from underfoot. I have been paying the price ever since.

In ten years, he hasn’t had a healthy morning. He has gotten up with ailments running the gamut from swollen toe syndrome to hair cancer. He has heard, “Suck it up, you’ll feel better by first period” so many times he has stopped telling me he is sick and started living it. The child has developed a proactive list of symptoms, directly related to the questions that have foiled him before. When called to get up, he begins the day with a weak groan and a pathetic ok. Shuffling to my side, he slumps pathetically, and radiates illness. A weather delay is his first hope so he checks the news and then the games begin.

“Mom, does everything feel cold to you?” means he has a temperature. “Yes, Con, I just got out of bed and it is WINTER, everything IS cold.” That is the signal to drag him self to the shower, but not before a well thought out delay, that is an expression of the effort it will take. Clean, but in his boxers, he returns for round two. “Shower help?” I Inquire. “I feel like I have to heave, but I can’t.” Avoiding eye contact I reply, “Good, I’d rather you didn’t. Eat something, you’ll feel better.”

I feign support by getting his allergy medicine every morning, but we both know he is cursing preventative medicine and praying for the sinus infection. Sane people would rather serve jail time than have that particular malady, but this child is dedicated to his art. Years of fine-tuning his warfare result in a performance not for the faint of heart. Nose blowing, until I think he is loosing brain matter, gagging in my face, and stomach gripping are all standards. He has tried fainting, turning blue and once he swore his kneecap was falling off. Ear boogers, fingernail pain and seizures, that all occur on the floor at my feet, are all in his play book.

7:04 and one last, “Man, I feel TERRIBLE today.” He kisses me on the forehead and trudges off to the bus stop, deflated and defeated again. Calling at lunch, by some miracle, he is well. “They need me to play my bass again, Mom. Can you bring it for me and then pick me up at five?” This is a project I was supporting until my Momdar picked up on the fact that bass playing was code for hanging out with his female fan club. I’ve been waiting years for this one. I grin and say, “Oh, Conner, I’d love too, but my hair hurts, I have ear boogers, my kneecap is falling off and I am going back to bed.”

My husband and I were just engaged in an absolutely inane, but as absolutely amusing argument about the new television show, Flash-Forward. We neither one really care much about what’s going to happen next, we have already debated ¾ of the show and missed most the details anyway. However, it’s the only show we have run into lately, that we never do quite know who’s right (at least not yet) so we are having a blast with it. Not having a better argument, I pulled out my best Judge Judy and enunciated, rather loudly, I admit, “IF IT DOESN’T make sense, IT ISN’T TRUE.” I type that LOUD because she is loud, but anywho…

In comes Conner. He is a great kid, but has the perfected the art of dissension. We can’t figure out where he got that. The difference is two-fold; he is 16 while we’re not and we laugh our way through our “discussions”. He has a deadpan delivery and flair for the taciturn that has earned him the nickname, Lifesucker. He has one word for us both on the whole subject “Bullshit!” He shakes his head and walks away. I laughed. I’m used to being harassed by him. According to him I haven’t done a thing right since 1996 when I enrolled him in full day Pre-k. Then it hit me. With all due respect to the honorable judge and God help us all.  He is completely right.

Illegal drug manufacturers have found ways of using over the counter drugs for evil. In an effort to control the massive purchase of these potentially “bad” medicines, the state decided to keep track of who was buying them. If my nose is running I have to present my drivers license and fill out the tracking sheet under Pharmacist supervision. This takes about 30 minutes and includes finger printing your first born son, so don’t leave home without him. Last time I checked there are pretty much two types of people, those who at least try to follow the rules and those who don’t. Those who don’t are commonly referred to as “Bad Guys”. They are not good. This means they have plenty of time to stock up on illicit cold medicine while the rest of us are standing in line. They are also the same folks packing Uzi’s while the rest of us are waiting on the background checks for our mace. Please note, purchasing enough Sudafed to medicate a family of 12 in allergy season can and will result in an investigation.

Generally speaking the more involved the government is the more confused I am. I think we should let non-seatbelt wearers be the victims of natural selection they were intended to be. The government (I think, I am still confused) sees it as a blatant disregard for our own lives and penalizes us for our own good. But if this is such a grievous infraction, why is the fine only slightly higher than poor parking and way lower than littering? I am thinking of relocating to St. Croix in the beautiful US Virgin Islands. Down there they still enforce the seatbelt law, but the ticket comes with an umbrella drink and the officers don’t care if you have a Bud Light in your drink holder. On second thought maybe that is a law that makes sense. If a bunch of drunks want to cruise around and kill each other they should definitely be wearing their seatbelts.

Why does it cost more to buy groceries that are organic, fatfree, sugar free or low sodium? This is what we are supposed to be eating, but we get charged more to buy less. If they tax all the bad habits, like alcohol, cigarettes and gasoline shouldn’t they tax these dietary no-no’s?! Oh geez, I take that back, I think I just gave the Governor another great source of revenue from a state hugely populated by the unemployed and underemployed. Speaking of which, didn’t I hear the recession is over?

I don’t know if my son was being his usual smartass self, or having a profound moment. I can’t ask because he has special permission to go to the midnight opening of Where the Wild Things Are. That would have made no sense in my 16-year-old world, but it’s true. I have seen the bloodshed over and over that proves children would rather spend 2 hours arguing over whose turn it is to do the dishes than spend 15 minutes actually doing them. My niece was just informed that creativity was not allowed in her art class and if she tried it again she would receive an F.

I could go on for pages about all the examples that we have all already heard and are horrified about. Things in this world are so out of whack, that our President, for whom I accord all due respect, has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Not for what he has done, but for the HOPE of what is to be. I’m with Conner…

If it doesn’t make sense it isn’t true?

BULLSHIT.